tips on radiance

im so alienated from everything i dont belong anywhere and those who try to comfort me are part of the problem i just dont have the courage to say anything about it and any time i try to express myself i just come across as melodramatic i wish i was without self awareness entirely and i could act how people wanted me to and be what people want me to and follow through with things and get along easily with others but everything i do is performance everything is artificial and for most everyone thats the case but i can feel it so deeply, nothing i do is genuine and nothing i feel is either and for all the acting i do i cant put on the smallest facade of tolerance in order to just get along with others but why should i tolerate ppl who i can tell have no tolerance for anyone else? why do i have to be the understanding one all the time when time and time again my fears with people are justified. everyone has a type and within a week of knowing them i can pin it and its very few who can overcome that early of judgment, i set myself up for failure in order to avoid it. i need to be in control so that if and when something fails, it will be on my own terms.