*looks at blog* i'm so gay......

my obsession with vintage gay porn and vintage horror converge

this one's only marginal but its from the 80s and how could i ignore a golden age in gay and horror aesthetix? & lest we forget!

there's another actual, solid (...) gay porno horror out there but i can't remember the name right now and it is KILLING me. nevertheless, this subject needs to be covered as often as possible.

and just bcs i wanna suck on 1970s Fred Halsted titties

ive never seen my mental health described so succinctly

incredible poster for an apparently mediocre french giallo

A young, clairvoyant woman has a vision of a murder and sets out to uncover the truth before the killer finds her. This is indeed a fascinating curiosity, a Bollywood remake of the Italian giallo Sette note in nero by Lucio Fulci (also known as Murder to the Tune of Seven Black Notes and The Psychic) and inspired by the works of Edgar Allan Poe. The music is by Raam Laxman.

 go the fuck off!!!!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3467452/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2186929/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2231854/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1941600/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2250282/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1161864/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112922/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0382205/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070133/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1778780/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2091423/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0327067/

also: finally watch julia's eyes, blow out, beyond the black rainbow

before the archive cut out on me

Amazing.

LA playlist

"Let Every Pansy Bloom" banner at the San Francisco Gay Freedom Day pride parade. June 25, 1978. (ONE National Gay and Lesbian Archives)

A Hollywood Itinerary

• http://www.panpipes.com/info.htm (FAIRUZA BALK OWNS IT!!)
• http://www.dearlydepartedtours.com/ with a healthy dose of reading hollywood babylon before
• http://www.museumofdeath.net/ cus i stay being the weirdo hot topic girl who loves the darkside and being a mall goth

more 2 cum.......... im so excited for the trip of a lifetime its been TOO LONG

[continued] also wanna go to the LACMA for Haunted Screens: German Cinema in the 1920s which looks amazing and the MOCA for their WWI & Josef Koudelka exhibition. I also want to go to the Hammer Museum if I have time for their Apparitions: Frottages and Rubbings from 1860 to Now and the ONE Archives for their Leon Mostovoy exhibit on Market Street Cinema.

• http://www.yelp.com/biz/sideshow-rare-books-art-and-curiosities-los-angeles?osq=gay+pulp
• http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-last-bookstore-los-angeles?osq=gay+pulp
• http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-last-bookstore-los-angeles?q=pulp
• http://www.yelp.com/biz/sideshow-rare-books-art-and-curiosities-los-angeles?osq=vintage+gay
• http://www.yelp.com/biz/circus-of-books-los-angeles?osq=vintage+gay

pulp!! pulp!! pulp!!

and i finally found what ill be doing while veronica is at her concert!!!!!!!!!!!! ive already seen the blood splattered bride but in the realm of the senses @ the new bev is not to be fukken missed!

and i am so excited to eat @ astroburger again GOD BLESS

Writing is a lot of effort because I lose or get bored with my train of thought easily. Committing is hard for me. There's a really good deal for $500 rooms in Los Angeles but I don't know if I'm even ready to move out. There's still so much I want to learn and do in my free time and I haven't been applying it very well. First thing: I'm getting a phone finally. Second: I have time to scope out LA on my own in February. Third: I need to learn how to be totally independent even though it takes incredible effort to do everyday tasks. Fourth: transition off prozac and onto something stronger because I am the #1 Sad Girl. Fifth: Get $.

why do latin ballads go so damn hard @god?

posters like this are so inspiring to me. like, i've read hardly any queer theory to be honest but from what i know actually navigating this world this is gay sensibility/camp gone grotesque and thats so important to me. i sound 14, but i cant imagine "normal" gays finding this intriguing just kind of funny and stupid like everyone else [gay sensibility is dying or just really embarrassing now - think lana del gays. even camp is a dying concept]. it reminds me of john waters saying he makes movies for minorities that are minorities within their minority which is *duhgreatone voice* MEEEEE. also this movie sounds amazing and is listed on karagarga as both horror and film noir? i need 2 watch asap (via)

The Girl With The Dragoness tATu is triggering as fuck but really good but why do women have to be degraded and humiliated, at worst raped, in order to be strong and capable and badass later. What the fuck kind of pattern.

my favorite part of the girl w the dragenne tattoo is all the female mystery authors blomkvist is constantly reading

 

finally seeing this tmrw nite @ the castro theater :') its been a art-trash holy grail of mine but ive been waiting to see it on anything but DVD here's hoping it lives up 2 my expectations!!

actually, expounding on that last post, being mentally ill is REALLY like being in a Jane Austen novel. maybe that's why i connect with them so much? im not idle by choice which is like, a misconception because everyone likes to judge what they don't understand and i lack the energy to argue about my mental health with anyone who is frankly not interested in hearing. but i am idle and waiting for a man to come save me or wife me up. not truly, but... jane austen novels are cathartic in a way horror has ceased to be for me. maybe because ive developed a talent for reading between the lines that i dont necessarily consider the marriage a great triumph but i also dont consider it a feminist defeat. maybe im just a romantic @ heart honestly because i do think love is nice and good and monogamy and etc for myself its what i want so i can connect with the triumph of love superficially in 19th century fiction whereas the triumph of self is what i got from slasher films when i was a teenager. i dont know if this is maturation or just a different side ive never explored of myself. i need to read more about catharsis and just in general. i think working through my interests im working through myself (this is true of most people probably) and once i understand them more i can understand myself more, which sounds really obvious writing it out.

I don't know where to post this because I'm half joking but it is also TMI but being mentally imbalanced is a lot like being in a Jane Austen novel in that all I do is take walks around the neighborhood, make calls at peoples houses, and read to pass my idle time. Except its tragic not romantic because I am literally not capable of much else. Still, let me romanticize my illness OK let me live I'm working on it.

1:20

ive been saving my thoughts on a few films and im gonna give em a rundown rn:

Veerana: was really compelling but also extremely frustrating. The whole thing is filmed like a music video (the humor, the stars, the framing, the color) but im a humorless bitch and the soporific cut-aways were killing me. I really want to see more from the Ramsay Brothers though because they undoubtedly have the eye.

Alice, Sweet Alice: I want to talk about this film all the time! I don't even think I actually liked it that much but I loved it all the same? I think it was brilliant, brilliant, brilliant independent movie-making and I'm a sucker for slashers, especially PERIOD SLASHERS? which is the smallest sub-sub-genre ever and I can't actually think of another one besides proto-slashers actually filmed in the '60s or some shitty misogynistic jack the ripper dreck. I love the histrionics right when things were about to get horrific, and that they didn't detract at all but heightened it. It was almost ~Lynchian~ in the way it used hysteria and abjection. I love especially the titles sequence which was a blood splattered alternative to the saccharine cursive titles in all those late 50s/early 60s melodramas. Think All That Heaven Allows or A Summer Place but with methodical killings.

Lorna: OK, so wiki has this listed as a rape-revenge film.... which is, well, true in that there is rape and there is revenge but its hardly the common narrative. And ugh... this genre, this convention, can we be done with it already. But (maybe I'm being a shithead and reading too much into it) I think Russ Meyer had a lot more to say, he just (typically) goes about it a kind of horrible way. If I'm trying to explain it away completely, I would say it's a meditation on the role of women in 1960s America. Think of Lorna, the title character, as an American Monica Vitti in an existential search for sexual rapture. The problem is that this sexual rapture? Comes in the form of a rape... which our heroine first understandably reproaches but which she eventually welcomes which is .... ugh the worst trope of all time. Straw Dogs, kiss my ass. But the interesting thing, the reason I'm writing so much about it, is how Meyer colors the morals of the characters in the film. Morally, Lorna is the most pure. She is a tired housewife, her well-meaning husband uses her for sex without passion. He expects her to cook his meals, always welcome him into her bed, and more or less be his automat.  His co-workers are worse. One is pathologically obsessed with his sex life (I'm not giving names because honestly I can't remember them and its not important) and the other seems borderline homosexually devoted to the perv but agrees with all his inappropriate remarks about Lorna. They start the film persuing and attempting to rape, only to beat, a random drunk woman which is disgusting. I have no idea if the production code even oversaw this movie (I know it was banned some places but its pretty lurid for 1964) but according to cinema codes these men should be punished. Guess who is? Lorna and the rapist she falls in love with end up bearing the brunt for the sins of the film, effectively dying together in a scuffle where the rapist tries to kill her husband with an axe. Lorna is punished for having a satisfying sexual encounter, the rapist is punished for being an "adulterer", but the would-be rapist and the husband who uses Lorna in the same way as rape are let off the hook. Is Meyer being misogynistic, or merely highlighting the misogyny of the production code (which continues today) and the American 1960s itself? Lorna is a tragedy about a woman anticipating the sexual revolution and yearning to use men the way they have used her. The film will never be approached as art because it is seen as exploitation, so it is easy to dismiss it based off its disgusting use of rape as sexual liberation, but who is answering for the corrective rape in El Topo? Or the rape jokes in The Seventh Seal? Why do we accept one as art, one as political, and the other which is presented just as seriously as trash. One is about male sexuality, the other about woman. The fact that sexual rapture is equated with the sexual politics of rape is troubling as hell, but it's naive to dismiss the rest of the movie based off of this and casting it aside to the trash bin. The movie presents male aggression as a subconscious desire to fuck one another and a sexually unsatisfied housewife as vanguard sexual libertine. While its deliverance is flawed, its messages, morals, and core tragedy are progressive ones.

This does not mean it is not a misogynistic film, or that Russ Meyer is not a misogynist. It does mean that it is just as valuable as a social text as anyone else's films that have found acceptance in art circles and are even sometimes more politically facile. Russ Meyer described Lorna as "a brutal examination of the important realities of power, prophecy, freedom and justice in our society against a background of violence and lust, where simplicity is only a facade". I agree.

when i was in elementary school my teacher told me never start all your sentences with 'i' and those have been the majority of my textposts but you know what.... this is abt me...

i want to be less dead inside but i stay hypercritical of everything. i wish i had a personality that meshed well with others or could maintain a mystique while being not that interesting which is 99% of tumblr. reblogging images and never making text posts is not creative or interesting but it is safe and appealing. maybe if i shut the hell up i would make friends easier but i cant maintain an aesthetic either; my interests are all over the place and admittedly pretty stupid or interesting to very few other people. its always fascinating to me how people can build a personality around the way they look. i was very image conscious in high school but grew out of it when i hit my teens (not my interest in personal style but my interest in image as a projection of self). it seems like in 2015 all you have to do is be consistent and cultivated and people will read into you more than you are... which is hypocritical of me to say bcs im always going on abt how interesting other people are and how many stories each person holds but thats the point -- beyond the superficial those stories arent being accessed or shown interest in it's all so shallow in the absolute of that word. last night i started crying because ive never had an intelligent conversation in my life.

last night i had a breakdown and my mom encouraged me to write out my anxieties which is old advice but solid and im trying to commit to it now. also octavia butler says to write even when you dont feel like it to get better because practice not talent is key and i think i am a good writer to be honest but what use is that (or anything) if you don't apply it.

today i went hiking to clear my mind (though it was only a 20 minute walk lmao) and there were signs everywhere for tarantulas bcs apparently its their mating season? which im not down with. spiders and horse shit was mostly what i saw today and even the stone bridge at the park i saw a few years ago i never got far enough in the right direction to see. still, it was nice being in nature and i worked up a sweat which is my excuse for no gym tonight (though i still might! i felt really good after)

the weird thing about writing is that youre in constant conflict with yourself and your medium trying to decide what the tone should be and how informal and i worry so much about wasting time i end up wasting more time or thinking of things that actually ARE productive -- like writing-- as wastes of time because i can't see any immediate gain. which is why practice and reading are key.

i havent been working for ~4 months now and its such a luxury i feel horrible im indulging in but i mentally can not bring myself to go back to work. my mom is trying to get me a job looking after an ex-nun(!!) who is getting surgery next month and doesnt need help for cleaning or the rest room, just somebody to look after and do household tasks for her since she'll be spending the majority of her recovery face down as per doctor's orders. it pays 15/hour which is great and its only for 10 days about 8 hours a day. it would give me caregiver experience which is whats really exciting, i always thought i would be good at caregiving but the bathing and bathroom shit is for someone far more compassionate and composed than i am right now. still, when i do go back to work which should be soon after i come home from los angeles in late february, i want to do something thats helping people. everyone says they enjoy helping people and feel good when they help people which seems self congratulatory but i can understand it because it does feel good. just like exercise feels good, doing something productive and getting your mind off of yourself is so valuable for your well-being.

ive only spent $1000 since ive been unemployed which is really good and ill have enough to have fun in los angeles (and fingers crossed buy a new coroner jacket from the morgue!) with veronica. all my best friends are moving away, veronica's been gone for over a year i think and vanessa is moving soon or already has to sacramento. michaela is moving to seattle sometime in the next few months and im feeling really stagnant. when i put into perspective how much mental and emotional work ive done in the past 4 years i dont feel like ive wasted my time or that im useless, i just have a lot more barriers that people dont understand and that ive had to work on for a long time to get to where im at right now which is arguably the best ive ever been in my life. (now if only clothes would fit me again). ive thought it over and i think im going to try to move to los angeles by this summer alone naturally, but insurance will cover me until im 27 and this will give me time to go to acting workshops and work and audition and follow m'dreams finally which is long overdue. i could do the nyc thing but im not trying to find myself rn im trying to succeed and do what makes me happy. i was a super communist at the beginning of january but now i just want to be happy. and being part of a cause makes me happy and is so vital and important for me but im having doubts about my abilities as a mover and shaker/organizer. i have an extremely hard time communicating or commandeering which is selling myself short to say, like i can do these things if i have to, but i lack confidence still. its the one thing i still have to build up.

its almost february which is wild as hell and im going to be 22 in 2 months but i dont feel defeated at all, i still look 18 and im the smartest and most capable i have been for years. now i just have to make things happen and stop wasting time which hopefully in march when i change medicine will happen because i have no energy right now. i get energy bursts when im around people but idk when that is going to happen again.... once in 7th grade i wrote this corny ass poem about being alone but i really am the number one solo mujer in the game and its made me strong.