this is my favorite fable and movie poster bcs im problematique

formative girlhood anthems

(P.P.S. writing is so therapeutic after the fact. it's cliche but I love having written even if I struggle to actually write. it hasn't always been this way but I'm in a bit of a funk. must persevere!! ALSO I wonder how many blogs belong to dead people? my blog feels like it's written by one.)

I haven't been writing at all and I'm so done with myself because that was my main goal of 2015--to write more!!! And I actually have things to say. But I am very very lazy and crave instant gratification wah wah. Right now I'm in South Lake Tahoe for a church retreat which I am not a part of  but my mom is helping with and its sooo so beautiful here @mother nature LET THE FUCK UP!! The water is so clear but all the piers are closed and boat tours are hard to come by :(. I'm about halfway through Gone Girl and firmly believe it is the great American novel of the 2010s like Fitzgerald was for the 20s. It is so on point in capturing a cultural climate and basically is a savage attack on the white bourgeoisie in America post-recession. It's brilliant to be honest, even if it's problematique as fuck (which I haven't gotten to yet). I been eating good and taking pics and calming down after having a hell of time taking care of an older woman for 3 days who had no appreciation for me besides me being a pushover when it came to work. Maybe I need to be less agreeable... people like me too much and too easily. I'm still looking @ rooms to rent (the one that never replied to me but is perfect in NYC just posted another ad... I'm so tempted but know it would be irresponsible). LA is in a few days with Veronica and I'm hyped as fuck because were both fun loving full figured hotties and like sight-seeing the same bruja shit. Tomorrow I get to hang out with friends in Sacramento which is further therapy after going through hell last week. I need to keep reading so I have more to write about and also be less of a lazy ass, lmao. Stay posted.

P.S. here's my view of the lake

Honestly, I have nothing left to say. People who have a lot of things to say still astound me but I think reading more and constantly discovering is a huge part of that. I'm so.......self-centered right now I guess and it's killing me. I can't wait to go to LA in a week and a half, and also move there eventually. I don't know as much as I'd like to, or weight what I'd like to, or dress as I'd like to but I think I'm ready, if not completely. To be perfectly honest with myself, a big part of growing up and aging being seen as a negative is lamenting all that I don't know by now. You're never as cool as you wish you were/someone is always cooler/why the fuck do you still care about coolness you're nearly 22?/time is running out. But it's not--to spend time worrying about wasting time is the only way you actually waste time. I know a lot more than most people -- which doesn't mean I'm smarter it just puts things into perspective. Lots of people know a lot more than me. One thing I've always been good at is reading people and a part of that is constantly compartmentalizing people and assigning them traits based on their other traits and 99% of the time i'm correct but I live for the 1% who prove me wrong. People who genuinely have a wealth of knowledge impress me, but snobbery and self-awareness of exceptionalism rubs me wrong. It comes off like a weakness. What role I'm trying to evolve into is someone who knows a lot, and can talk about a lot, but never holds myself higher than anyone else. I've been on the bottom in so many situations, my life has exposed me to so little outside of what I've made the effort to expose myself to, that I can't act any different in my interactions with others. We all start someplace, we're all at someplace, and that is something I need to be OK with and others to be OK with if I'm going to trust them.

somewhere over the rainbow fucks me UP. the wizard of oz fucks me up in general. it is the #1 gay movie for so many reasons and i imagine so many beautiful kweens watching it in theater in 1939 and crying inside bcs they're looking for "home" and also because of gay lions. hopefully a lot because of gay lions. i wish there was a queer canon -- actually writing this out im SURE there is a queer canon, i just don't really know what it is. i need to read more so i can express myself more clearly. i'm a mess.

*cries but cus ya girl is gettin' it!!!!!*

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http://www.discoverlosangeles.com/blog/13-scariest-places-los-angeles

true as shit

Writing on here feels like screaming into an echo chamber because nobody really follows it. It's strange; the instant gratification is absent that you would find on Tumblr but I definitely feel more grounded because of it (the most 20-something I'll ever sound) and need to continue publishing on here. I'm thinking -- what's one positive of yourself? Maybe I'll make this a daily thing. Can I think of daily positives? I know today I'm re-affirming to myself that I am a good writer, that I am smart, that I have a way of making academia and academic theories accessible through my writing, that I can be intelligent without having my head up my ass, that I can accomplish things when I commit to them. Commitment is the word of 2015 -- it's what's been lacking these past 4 years (this seems like such an easy answer, and it's more than this, but it feels right right now). And even though it doesn't feel like it, I have made incredible progress & I'm just beginning.

I'm changing my prescription tomorrow to a stronger anti-depressant and all I hope for is energy back again, and hopefully no feeling like a drone or zoned out -- something I feel incredibly lucky to have never experienced on anti-depressants. If it helps with my reading, I'll be over the moon. It takes a month to clean out my system from the prozac and I'll be on another antidepressant for 3 of the weeks and then that one clears out in a week so for a whole week I'm in danger but I'm going to hope for the best. Nobody is ever cured from mental illness and that fucks me up to think about -- I can manage and I can control but this will always be with me and it can always get worse -- but it can also always get better even if not "the best". I didn't even realize I was still depressed until my doctor suggested it might have something to do with my lethargy and sleep patterns and then everything sort of concaved. I used to be terrified of suggestion and big pharma but both have saved my life, I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't eased up and allowed myself to be helped. That's the biggest take-away of my mental illness--it has taught me to always be open to help.

that Coolest Person In Your Hometown But Too Mentally Ill To Get Out struggle

jean claude van damme's wife is a puerto rican former bodybuilder who is stunning im losing my shit i love him in some way this is him marrying me.......fate

Thought of the day: I'm running out of words for "incredible" when all I mean is "incredible". I've been thinking of The Honeymoon Killers since I saw it and that's the only way I can describe it. Francois Truffaut called it his fav American film which leads me to contemplate something ive mulled over a million times before and that is, how much of a language disconnect is to be credited for the esteem we hold up foreign films? Like, The Honeymoon Killers is an amazing film, but its also very very camp at the same time (& I've talked before about straight appropriation of camp culture in the late 1960s-onward). It makes more sense that John Waters lists it among his favorite films because as a native English speaker, it's characteristics from dialogue to inflection fit in more easily with that type of film -- that is '60s drive-in cinema. And so much of that cinema is absolute art when viewed through a language barrier... but for insufficient reasoning have been largely forgotten or dismissed by mainstream America (this is quickly showing itself to be my main obsession -- this disconnect and interconnect between high and low art in America esp. played out against that Great American Ideal -the middle class).

I've not been writing a lot because everything takes so much effort right now, I just feel like abandoning everything mid-sentence even IRL. I've been having an existential crisis for 4 years and I'm at its most mature stage. I know I want to act and I know I want to make movies or at least write or learn more about literature and I want to channel all my interests into something lucrative bcs I'm a commie but CREAM still applies. I just don't have the skills yet to make this happen and its extremely frustrating confronting this fact. Acting, and success in acting, is my easiest pathway but the roles I want to play I would have to create myself. Writing is my talent but I lack the discipline -- also my downfall when it comes to film-making and academia. I know if I could just commit to buying a camera, I would start making things I'm interested in exploring immediately but I'm the biggest frugalista ever and can never justify spending $ on anything, esp. anything I might potentially give up. I'm just barely getting a working phone this week and that's a 2015 necessity(!!).

Maybe it's because I'm never negative, or rarely negative, about things that I don't have a better social pull. I think it's important to be critical always but in terms of media, I have a hard time deriding anything because all of my interests have frequently, in my opinion unfairly, been objects of derision. Anyway, it's more important to encourage and cultivate interests than base a personality around what you don't like and that's a mistake a lot of people make. What interests me? is always a good place to start, not end at.

So....... what interests me? I have shitty recall, the question is hard for me. I like camp, I like glamour, I love womyn, I love marginalized people, I love bright colors, I like chiaroscuro, I like representations of madness, I find horror cathartic, larger than life women who are allowed to exist are so important to me, cinema outside of critical consciousness is precious to me, I love 1960s pop and doo-wop and the early 1990s, I love the gays even though I struggle with the gays, I love pulp fiction and melodrama, I love the ocean and clean air and moving somewhere. I have so many interests, it's impossible to list without getting into exhaustive specifics... just like everyone else. I like being a part of everyone else.

Patricia Arquette certainly does: "It's about a relationship where the man's a misogynist. He kills the woman, but can't admit it, so he reimagines himself as this young, virile guy. She comes back and really wants him, but even in his fantasy he gets fucked up. He's too afraid of her." 

Lost Highway has revived charges of misogyny against Lynch, first aired after Isabella Rossellini's loving embrace of S&M in Blue Velvet; in the new movie, Arquette is forced to strip for Mr Eddy at gunpoint. She starts off terrified, but then appears to get into it. "David's not a misogynist," says Arquette emphatically. "My experience with him was very gentle; he was always delightful to me. I think, though, he is obsessed and confused by women."

 http://www.thecityofabsurdity.com/losthighway/intlharena.html