should be getting paid 2 b this flagrant

*opens legs so wide a loud cracking noise is heard clearly throughout the whole valley*

i would have sex w james + i love donna as a character and everyone can kiss my ass abt it

the time i wasted precious harddrive space screencapping sam neills nonexistant ass

2:00 is one of my favorite moments in any song ever but dont ff to it, just wait for it to come in context w the song

The face T.I. makes when he's deep inside of me (FACT).

u may all refer to me as 'the abomination' btw

i cant believe this ............ god bless horror writers

i need to stop going to the movies lmao i just get stressed out and frustrated

do you ever think of all the racist shit you've ever done and said (granting you have the power & privilege necessary for true racism) and you just want to fucking die? because you can still feel it killing you inside and rotting from the inside out but it's not something that goes away, its something you can make better by ensuring you're on yr shit but its not something that is able to or should go away bcs its a reminder that you're capable of horrible things and that you always need to do better. the small pain in yr gut remembering things you've done or said is nothing next to the pain your words or actions have either contributed or directly led to. as recent as my senior year of high school i said some unforgivable shit and i KNEW BETTER but i thought it would help me fit in/make my days there more bearable by giving me something to talk about (it didn't) and i have to pay the price (small change in comparison to the systemic hate it directly contributed to) for being that stupid for the rest of my life. its one thing to inflict pain out of ignorance but knowing that you could have done better and knew to do better but didn't is something that stays with you especially. however!! you don't wallow in that and pity yourself, bcs you don't deserve it, you take that feeling and you turn it into positive action.

women of color who make me wanna play video games

QUEER(!) woman of color, Samantha Traynor from Mass Effect 3, who's even given an optional romantic story-line with the female Commander Shepherd.

Chell, the main character of the Portal series, who's significantly absent of the male gaze in the first Portal (but "feminized" and more white-projecting in the second, ugh - still noticeably "not white" tho).

Faith, the protagonist of Mirror's Edge, who's not lithe to keep in tune w/ a male ideal - so often manifested in combatitive action heroines ridiculously lacking in muscle - but whose figure serves a real practical purpose and is realistic w/r/t the Parkour-esque moves signature of the game's characters.

i want a boyfriend who understands the importance of the cocteau twins in my heart and acts accordingly

this is literally one of the dumbest fucking things ive ever read im so bored of ppl conflating azealia as a person w/ her music cus shit still slaps but fuck this, fuck the delusional gay man who posted this and those in the community who agree w/ him, and fuck her for reblogging it i feel kinda horrible saying that cus what she "means" and her place in pop culture rn is rly important but shes not a symbol shes a human and a p shitty one at that i still support her in the bigger "game" but damn lord jesus i am praying for her to come to her senses on this shit...

the only thing im looking fwd to in life rn is watching like someone in love by myself tomorrow afternoon n buying a new fm transmitter for my car (solange + theophilus london + blood orange + lemixx.com all summer long ;_;)

3 women stuck in a transient space, robert altman would b proud

this blog belies my misty ice princess persona i am COLD AND ALOOF but only in public bcs people scare me a lot

the scream in the beginning of this is the reason i am alive

i went thru and deleted or "privated" a lot of posts where i was being rly hyperbolic and for SURE making things more complicted than they are i say a lot of dumb shit but its only because im trying to work things out in my head and like i dont regret it even though its sometimes embarrassing in hindsight bcs it helps me ~grow~ but i don't need it on display for everyone else + ANYWAY last night i realized i really really want more gay boy friends i thought about that when i was going to sleep bcs i dont have ANY in real life and its sad + alienating im gonna make that effort more this year i just want more queer friends in general even though i just noticed almost all my friends already are(???)

i actually cn not believe how crazy i am like lmfao at least im cute n smart n special ｡◕‿◕｡

N             O

one of my neighbors is playing what sounds like the beverly hills 90210 theme song on guitar hero and im gonna masturbate 2 it like its 1992 and dream of jason priestley's not so brotherly luv<3

im sooooooooo wet omg were getting married

would then, would now. i betroth my second penetration to greg louganis

thi s is who ive betrothed my virginity to

PRECIOUS BABY WHO LOOKS 100X CUTER IN PERSYN/MOTION ;-; 

i only watch movies for cute boys idk why im stressin'

i just saw sympathy for lady vengeance n im warming up to park chan-wooks approach/he did a lot of rly interesting things cinematically (esp. in the first half/very end) but like w stoker its not rly "satisfying" :////. like u can tell if took cues from japanese vengeance movies of the 70s from toie and the like but its rly not a film in a similar vein & i need 2 rewatch it again w that in mind. park chan-wook never adheres to any rules of "genre" and the fact that these films are marketed as "vengeance" skews how theyre viewed cus that seems to be just the backdrop of them rather than the focus. which in good movies it should be!! or at least more complex. i just dont think he explored either the vengeance or personal sides as deeply as he could've.

Sticking to my film viewing principles is rly hard - the hardest part of judging movies is that you always end up a hypocrite, which I really don't want to be. The hardest part about judging anything is I don't have my "likes" set in stone so it's not even a case of "I don't know what it is, but I didn't like it." I want to know what it is so I can assure myself I'm not being unfair. I try to refrain mostly from sharing my views on art w/ others bcs in some way I feel I'm always going to be unfair, but I realize how stupid and stunting that is bcs when it comes to artistic perception there's rly no such thing as the "truth". I'm trying to share more but the more I share the more hypocritical I feel, the more aware I am of my own contradictions.

i love humid nights w a full moon where you can go walking down the sidewalk barefoot in shorts and a sweater and hear the crickets all around it reminds me of summer and being young and eating mashed potatoes out a giant pot sitting on the curb w my best friend talking openly about my first crush ever and truly thinking something might actually come from it

"Have you had to work hard?" she asked softly. 

"Always," he said. 

"I have always been idle," she said. "I was rich." 

"I was poor," he almost echoed. 

"The rich and the poor are met together," she began, and he finished: 

"The Lord is the Maker of them all." 

"Yes," she said slowly, "and how foolish our human distinctions seem--now," looking down to the great dead city stretched below, swimming in unlighted shadows. 

"Yes--I was not--human, yesterday," he said. 

She looked at him. "And your people were not my people," she said; "but today--" She paused. 

. . . 

"Death, the leveler!" he muttered. 

"And the revealer," she whispered gently, rising to her feet with great eyes. 

- The Comet, W.E.B. Du Bois

i forgot to cancel my psychiatrist appointment on time and i havent taken any of the medication i was prescribed two weeks ago so now i have to go in and make a scene like im too insane and afraid to take it or something (which i kinda am) bcs if i cancel now the insurance wont pay for it and we'll be charged the full price of the appointment :O) p cool how financial pressures can make your mental health worse even when you're trying to actually get better!

for instance: i loooooooooooooove my cats!! even though the baby one is cuter in person (she's frightened here)

you know what!!!! a good way to alleviate anger besides venting and way more long term in the good feelings department is talking about/highlighting things i DO like which i really need to do more of. its v healthy to talk/write out my frustrations but i have to be wary of/fight against getting obsessive of them or letting them consume me as much as I can. this is just a lil note 2 self though; i encourage others to do whatever makes them feel better!!!!! what works for me and what i am and am not capable of isn't going to apply to everyone n sometimes u just have 2 be a real negative ass to let it all out which is O.K.

venting/saying the same things i always say but

nevermind as a group i fucking hate men i dont really care or try to hide it, just as much as i as a group hate white people, look in the comments section of anything dominated by white men and you'll see why. i went down a facebook black hole of rape apologia and casual racism i shoudnt have done that bcs it makes me more paranoid but i want to stab all of these people and when im near people who are vocal about it i want to stab them too fbi get off my blog id never actually kill someone but the urge to stab or scream feels like a self defensive move sometimes.

and even tho its unnecessary, i always try to emphasize that so many individuals in either/both groups are gems n i luvvvvv bcs i personally feel kinda shitty/rude otherwise - which is stupid but whatever - but i think even they can agree on a whole those within 'em are the worst (not that they're totally exempt from the critiques either!).

But the Gates Foundation, which supports NPR, says that a lot of men perceive them as interfering with the pleasure of sex, and that means they won't use them consistently. 

wow legit misandrist cus this sentence pissed me off despite making actual sense cus im like *nod* when ppl are like condoms suck cus probably. i guess it just made me think of all the men who think their pleasure > all and that if a woman gets pregnant its her fault/its her responsibility in the first place to not "get" pregnant. like realistically tho i support a better condom if it means men/ppl with penises will KEEP IT WRAPPED !! then again, you'd think it'd have been made already if it was possible at this time....... crazy 4 this 1 bill gates

elegance

ive thought so much about cinema and high vs low culture and what we value and what the directors role is the past few weeks more than i ever have before and its completely changed the way i view and approach things. what i dont think is the director has any responsibility to condemn a character or have a hero unless the express purpose of the film is to have you sympathize with them and that just because we follow a character for most of a story doesn't mean we necessarily have to or are expected to like them altogether (this is different from "good" characters with "bad" traits who we ultimately want to see triumph). i do think a film can be judged negatively if a horrible character IS someone were expected to sympathize with and the director nudges us in that direction via manipulation of the audience bcs thats just abusive in some cases, but too often we expect a protagonist/antagonist structure and empathize straight off instead of actually looking for any cues that give us cause to. also, ive been trying to put more weight on the element of surprise and spectacle in films after seeing a conversation on tumblr about this. people like to be snobby about the role of aesthetics in film as second to the story but they're extremely and often equally important as what happens within the film. if a film doesn't introduce new visuals and nothing surprises you either plot-wise or emotionally, that has to be taken into account. cinema began with spectacle and for all but the highest classes - the "intellectual elite" - its still what most audiences are looking for. this doesn't mean ignore everything else in the film if it entertains people, that's stupid (*cough* argo/zero dark thirty/whtevr), but these aspects have to really be considered when assessing filmic "value" in general. i fuck with a lot of shit that's probably boring as hell to most people which is fine, liking things that provoke a more """intellectual"""/analytical reaction isnt the problem, its valuing the cinematic elements these films employ above all others that's dependent on a hegemonic, fundamentally capitalistic, system of taste.

be wary of people who live in "reaction" but never self reflect and modify, a person's inability to change is symptomatic of a larger narcissism

people take social media v seriously its rly funny like??????????? as long as theyre not hurting anyone let ppl use websites as they please goddamn

counter-culture arrogance is so boring and embarrassing i never want to live "in opposition" of anything (besides hegemonic power structures that is ;) which popular culture can n does perpetuate n why its good to be critical of, but imo p myopic and self-aggrandizing to explicitly position yourself against/be wholesale dismissive/mocking of) taste hierarchies in general are pretty embarrassing/dumb i need to work on not reinforcing them more

i had a rly cute n fun day i dropped mikook off downtown then went to the rose garden n read some, then browsed the book store, came back and got a fish taco + glass coke, and went back to the rose garden, ate,  basked in the sun, and read some more. truly blessed!!!!!! then i came home n looked in the mirror :( but at least it felt like summer for a little while !!!!! sprink break 2013 never forget

ways 2 win my heart: play this video n leave me alone 2 absorb it on my own

spring break aspirations this will b a week that i will NEVER forget<3

On that note, I have about a million different thoughts about Spring Breakers that I'm too lazy to elaborate on but I want everyone watch it asap so we can discuss/get more pieces analyzing it out there cus I just rly wanna hear what people think. Imo, a lot of it is rly brilliant but won't be recieved well esp. on tumblr dot com which is okay cus it can also be easily read/seen as super shitty (which was me + Kapiolani's initial reaction too) so whatevr.

everyones so boring on tumblr dot com i s2g jokes abt strawmen are exhausting and pandering

a star for every time i yelled I CANT BELIEVE THIS in theaters, everyone go watch this asap so i can discuss how sus some aspects are but also how much shit slaps!!!!!!!!!!!!!! best ive seen in theaters in 2013 so far tbh

the most embarrassing white people in order

• white people on the east coast
• white people in art school on the east coast
• white people from berkeley

if u r any of these n i still fux with u you have overcome inexplicable odds

I love my friends so much online and offline. I haven't had a truly sad thought all day, something that's marked every one of my birthdays since I turned 13, and I think that largely has to do with knowing how many people care about me and also just how much I've matured as a person and a thinker in this time - I really feel for once like I'm firmly in the "now" and that all the exists from here on out is the "forward" and the "up".  Even though I'm still deep in a bout depression, I feel an overwhelming gratitude because I was expecting it to come crashing down around me all day and it never did. I don't really believe in horoscopes but I read something that said for Pisces, the past few months ending around this week are marked by extreme inner turmoil, but its these times of turmoil that signify a greater positive change. Today I'm finally beginning to see that realized.

This is very corny but that's okay I don't care about being corny anymore if corny means expressing yourself genuinely. I'm not out there crying on everyone's shoulder I meet and telling my life story, I can let myself have this.

a few photos of my boyfriend and his questionable hair choices throughout the ages (would STILL ride like no tomorrow)

I got $200 to cover my passport fees for my birthday!!!!!!! I'm overwhelmed rn, as long as I get a temporary job to cover my airline expenses and save save save so I have some spending money when I get there, I could be going to Italy/Europe as soon as late June !!

This will never not make me sad, the fact that she was 100% white (mixed anglo-iberian ancestry) to begin with, just not Hollywood white/was considered too "ethnic looking" pretty much purely by association via shared features w/ latin americans/brown people - though the official version was "too mediterranean", aka the europeans who share the most features w/ brown people - makes it even more depressing. Right now, feature-wise, I more closely resemble the former -at least how I mentally envision myself- but when I was beating myself up, keeping my skin tone even, and my hair straightened and light, as well as taking care to keep my weight down, my transformation was similar. I still pass now in most situations despite not hating myself enough to make the effort like before, but there are degrees where you can assimilate easier, and only when I was making the effort to beat myself up every day and hate how I naturally looked could I begin to fulfill that ideal. The change may not have been as drastic from an outsider pov, but how I mentally perceived myself was. Freeing myself from that was one of the best things that could ever happen to me, even if it's a still on-going process.

did you know raquel welch is bolivian on her father's side? her ~ethnic~ features have become more pronounced in recent years & shes p strongly white passing in this pic, but a roller derby latina sex symbol in the early 70s is something i can identify with and aspire to heavily

Sometimes I'll think ppl r too mean to white people on tumblr dot com including myself bcs all my white friends/the white people i choose to bless w/ my company or let in2 my life r cute n nice n smart but then I leave the house n actually interact w/ the majority of them n naw. Actual demons from hell.

It's not even white people exclusively who hold up white supremacy or support """colorblind""" policies that actually propagate racism in the name of ending it, they're just consistently the worst offenders bcs theyre in a position where its especially easy to ignore. Realistically, I hate white supremacy as a system more than I actually hate individual white people, most people do, but when you look at who instated white supremacy in the first place and who's in the majority holding it up, it's hard to feel any need 2 vocalize the difference :/. I don't think anyone is inherently "bad" but when someone, and this goes for anyone in a position of privilege, has a wealth of information available to them on how their actions on the grand scale contribute to hurting others and they choose to ignore that when confronted w/ it, I'm not only going to be distrustful as hell but there's rly a sociopathy to that, one that esp. white people cling to and seem to operate under. Nobody who perpetuates hateful systems is responsible for their creation, but they do have a responsibility to help end them and find a way no matter how small to go about that - #1 of which is even acknowledging that those systems still exist.

This is obviously a venting piece cus I know everyone who might read this already understands this on some level but goddamn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ppl r wild out there.

(x)

this caption + blurb are 100% me

It's my birthday!!! I'm v apathetic I don't even feel like dying much right now but I didn't wake up to any happy birthday wishes which is simply unacceptable.

this is one of my favorite songs of all time and one of my favorite movies of all time, concurrently this is one of my favorite videos of all time i post it somewhere at least once a month "two great tastes that taste great together" etc

i hate boys a lot a lot i hate most tumblr cis gay boys a lot a lot i have nightmares about the tangentially related greater Tumblr Gay Community following me bcs it makes me anxious theyre v hypocritical in sentiments vs reality maybe i am too maybe im afraid to see parts of me i dont like but mostly i dont think so mostly i just dont think they give a shit about me while also taking up a lot a lot of space esp. considering how many are white but it gets a pass bcs theyre vaguely conscious n have a good cis-cis relationship among the cutesy feminist girls i once saw a white gay boy a lot of "conscious" people follow describe jeans as "n------ brown" i dont like tumblr at all i dont want to be a part of tumblr at all i dont like how much cultural capital you get from saying one semi-decent thing but never contributing anything of actual substance to radical discussions i like people who are good people but show it through actions not in throwing out buzzwords to give some facade of "goodness" everyone wants to be a feminist but nobody wants to be effectively radical about it i know people who use less of a "radical vocabulary" and yet are still far more truly radical in the ways they treat and approach others as well as more naturally cognisant of space/respecting boundaries than those who do

Cool fact!!!!! Elizabeth Bennett is 20 in Pride and Prejudice, and so is Emma in Emma!!, maybe this is the year I find Tru Luv. (i'm researching notable 20 year old characters in preparation of my psychic death)

I don't get the appeal of tumblr anymore bcs every time I log on all I get bombarded w/ is hate or mockery instead of actual info on how to build a more progressive society or creative inspiration beyond the purely superficial OR simply a positive environment to be in, three of the core reasons I've returned to the website for so long besides the friends I've made there - most of whom I don't get much interaction with now anyway. When a culture has ceased to create something new except out of reaction, then idk if I want to continue on being a part of it. Especially, when a culture rewards you only when you tread ground already pretty beaten, but ignores you on any other subject, then idk if I want to continue on being a part of it. I'm sure this is only a temporary thing, I have too much respect for the people who I've chosen and continue to follow to think this is their "wall", but for now it's something I have to work hard to remove myself from bcs I can't afford to be bogged down in it.

It only takes going like 2 pages into either of my blogs to assess that I'm not male, even if I present in a way where I could be interpreted as such - partially for safety reasons and partially bcs I simply dont have the courage or self esteem yet to see myself as manifesting in any physical way my gender identity. I still don't really know what my gender identity is but I do not I'm not male and have not been male, I know that since I was a child I've felt uncomfortable being called a man or male, that it still makes me cringe when people call me "dude" or "brother" or "man", while at the same time such gendered terms secure my sense of safety. Because as long as I pass, I'm safe. As long as I fit into a binary in some way I'm going to be okay. It's putting on an act when interacting with people because you're not sure how deep their understanding goes, and especially putting on an act when interacting with men, even "safe" men, instinctively  And its being coerced into one role your whole life and knowing the security that comes with this is threatened by charges of femininity, that descriptors like girly from the wrong person could set you on edge still, despite that being more in tune w/ who you really are. But still people who go on spiels abt trans* rights and for all their progressive politics cant seem to grasp their heads around this? Can't and won't stop seeing you or considering you as male. Theres a fine line between asking for someone to acknowledge their male privilege (which I DO and always try to keep conscious of because I depend on this privilege and cis-passing privilege every time I leave the house, so trust me when I say I know how real it is) and continuing to see them as an other, as the "opposite". I'm not a gay man. I don't relate to gay men the way I relate to the greater trans* community and the women within and outside of it. I never have felt fully comfortable within it, though I have great respect for and can identify with many aspects of it, it still doesn't feel like something I can call my "own". But neither does being a woman, because I don't identify or feel comfortable speaking as a woman, though on the scale I'm far closer to that than anything approaching male. And idk where that leaves me.

this is my favorite art piece but i dont talk abt it much. jenny holzer is a v cliche interest but i can be a v cliche person so i dont really care.

If the operative criterion in paracinema culture is affect, the most frequently expressed patron desire is to see something "different," something unlike contemporary Hollywood cinema. As A.S. Hamrah and Joshua Glenn put it, "Let's face it: Hollywood films are cautious, uninventive, and bland, and young filmgoers are increasingly uninterested." Paracinema fans, like the cineast elite, "explicitly situate themselves in opposition to Hollywood cinema", and they do so in a way that academics would recognize as highly sophisticated. As Sconce notes, "the paracinematic audience recognizes Hollywood as an economic and artistic institution that represents not just a body of films, but a particular mode of film production and its accompanying signifying practices. Furthermore, the narrative form produced by this institution is seen as somehow 'manipulative' and 'repressive,' and linked to dominant interests as a form of cultural coercion". Paracinema consumption can be understood as a a reaction against the hegemonic and normalizing practices of mainstream, dominant Hollywood production.

- another excerpt from Cutting Edge. It's worth noting however that the way paracinema fans position themselves in opposition to Hollywood and the way cineastes do and the complexities of why are extremely different. From personal experience within both circles, I've found paracinema fans are looking for something more "shocking" and "less safe", understandably so within their interests, but the word "politically correct" as an epithet is also thrown around an awful lot as well. Cineastes on the other hand are usually asking for something more to chew on, something more substantial - but also hold an air of derision over what they perceive to be or associate with a lesser art form. Where the two meet is in the increasingly less rare combo of visually/viscerally, as well as intellectually, stimulating and innovative works, something that can be seen exemplified in films as early, if not earlier (Lewton comes to mind), as Cronenberg's Shivers to Zulawski's Possession - and additionally throughout both of those director's oeuvres. When the two meet and genres are breached, audiences from both sides aren't repelled but rather their interest is peaked. Low culture enthusiasts find themselves fully capable and even interested in comprehending complex themes while cineastes find themselves just as able to appreciate and at times learn to embrace the horrific. They may not seek it out as top priority but it's these films that breach that gap that lead to a greater understanding/internal expansion of both parties involved. What keeps me especially hopeful and enthusiastic about such art forms is both the destruction of pompous value systems by cineastes, which among the younger set is significantly more lenient already, and the destruction of unquestioned stimulation through misery that's prevalent among low culture consumers, esp. when this exploitation of misery is so often at the expense of women and women's bodies.

also, the taxi

i still think the story development/symbolism in stoker is borderline misogynist/done 2 death but these numbers dont lie!! this is the only accurate way to assess the true value of a movie

...in my dreams I’m slapping the heroine to her senses, because I want them to be women who make things happen, not women who things happen to. 

Sandra Cisneros, Woman Hollering Creek (via tumbly obvs)

This is something I really need to keep in mind when evaluating characters and film/just in general bcs its easy to portray suffering either as critique or characterization but harder to show a fighter, a mover and shaker, who isn't a rock, who is able to suffer, but whose existence isn't dependent and in reaction to the things beyond their control. Too often suffering is still seen as a virtue.

Barbara made me cry but I'm also emotionally vulnerable rn and stories about dignified women doing the "right" thing don't help. #overidentifying issues tbh. I think it could have done a lot of things better but it was still satisfying to me in some way, at least aesthetically and in terms of human emotion, which got me thinking if I like Barbara which I freely admit was lacking in some areas (only in how uneventful it is - it seemed like more should  have happened or it should've been longer) what about Stoker left me apathetic? And I figure it does have a lot to do with expectations, most of my disappointment stems from my unfulfilled expectations. If I had gone into Stoker without watching the trailer first I think I would have appreciated it a bit more, cliched characters and storyline notwithstanding, but since all the emotional intensity throughout the film stays about the same as it was in the trailer, nothing new was added, thus where unfulfilled expectations come into play in my initial reaction. I got to thinking if this movie was Korean w/ a Korean cast, I probably would've received it without disappointment... I might have thought it was just ok still, but that would be it, and that has a lot to do with cultural disconnect. Interestingly, this cultural disconnect is often also part of why we're so willing to elevate many ~foreign films a peg just because theyre "different", meaning we cant fully comprehend them culturally/gauge the value as well or as accurately for ourselves as we would one we're a part of - something that falls apart once the same aesthetics and execution are transferred onto a more familiar landscape. All of this just to say, I really do semi-fux with Stoker, even though I still think a lot could be less shitty - most of those things are due to Wentworth Millers script - bcs some of the execution and obviously the aesthetics are truly stunning and I'm being unfair in my evaluation by comparing it to what I dreamed it would be instead of on the basis of what it actually is. I'm going to have 2 rewatch it for sure, I could conclusively just be like "naw", but at least then I'll be dismissing it honestly and with a more open mind. What I feel above all set Barbara apart for me, that in my opinion was lacking in Stoker, is that, Barbara, a far less technically or creatively innovative film, made a display of human empathy and asked a direct involvement with the people on screen. Stoker, like its characters, felt ultimately heartless. There were opportunities to elevate India to a truly complex character, even if not a sympathetic one, but the complexities were near abandoned by the end in favor of the fear/cinematic appeal of full on sociopathy - a direction that, in context of the film, I'm not impressed by or think is creative in the least.

The thing is, the more I think about it, the more I like No - or at least the concept behind No, and I think my missing the beginning of it really impacted how I viewed it. But even then, I found myself bored during watching it and I'm trying to stay true to my initial feelings. Just like Stoker, while it may not be "technically" good 2 me I find myself mulling over the positives hours after I've seen it even though during and immediately after it I was thinking of how much more I wanted it to be. So what's the right feeling? The one during viewing or the one upon contemplation? I try to stay to my initial reaction bcs I know that once something has passed, I tend to romanticize it especially if when it was happening I was hoping for more or better. This happens with life events and it's not surprising that it happens for movies as well. On the other hand, I always think there's credit due for movies that make me think and reconsider them long after they've ended. In situations like this, I find myself asking, if I truly didn't care for them, wouldn't I forget them easily? But that doesn't mean much when I worry over everything, even something as inconsequential as personally liking a movie or not. So where does that leave me? And why does it matter? For the most part, I know when I definitely like a film and I know when I definitely don't, but I have a hard time disregarding one I don't feel especially strong either way toward, and the ones that border on average but have moments of brilliance are the hardest of all to wrap my head around. Especially because so much of my reception toward a film has to do with my mental state/attitude at the time and I can't help wondering if a movie I respond to poorly was wanting or I'm the one with the problem. What I'm trying to do is listen to myself and trust myself more bcs this anxiety over film watching is just a bit piece of a larger problem and most of the time my intuitions aren't what's wrong, it's how I treat and deal with them that is.

I'm actually rly bad at judging movies watching them up close in a theater though so lmao ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ something abt being right in front of the screen seems to throw me off. I should sit a bit further back next time except im also blind as a bat...

Stoker was really predictable and questionably misogynist (maybe not - India is never posited as an every girl so her development could be intended as very unique to her - then again, there's no other woman in the film to weigh this against except her mother who is portrayed as horrible for most of the film but is actually fairly sympathetic). With the way the story starts and begins to develop it could have easily been arguably feminist but it never really went there, even at the end. The characters are all cliched thriller cut outs with only minor character development from Wasikowsa's character and obvious, cheap, or maybe just ill-executed, symbolism. Also, surprisingly less tension or suspense from a supposed thriller - probably because you can tell how everything is going to play out from the get go. That said, some moments REALLY slapped and Kidman was perf as always (the other performances were strained imo but Wasikowsa gives good effort). I'm so bummed!!!!!! But I'm a negative nancy cus the real reason 2 watch is how beautiful all the images r ;_;. Some of the shots w/ neon in them r gonna give me wet dreams 2nite. Also, side note, but this is still better than any other movie in wide release this year (though that's saying literally nothing), so if you feel like spending $/its playing nearby I suggest watching it for yrself - this review makes it sound like I liked it a lot less than I did, but don't listen 2 me cus it could be for you!.

terrence malick looks like a horny white devil but like the rly condescending ones u went to school with who'd openly roll their eyes at you bcs u were beautiful n popular n like miley cyrus a lot

IM SO EXCITED TO WATCH STOKER AND BARBARA TOMORROW ;_; ALONE ;_; BUT STILL!! i saw No recently and i didnt think it was v well done/politically adept and the whole victory thru marketing thing was dumb, but it mightve meant 2 be ambiguous @ the end cus the whole "thats it? we won" and garcia bernal god bless his beautiful cushion begging face walks thru the crowd looking aimless w/ his child like "what changed" BUT IT STILL LEGITIMIZED THE TRIVIALIZING OF THE WHOLE THING W/ THE MTV STYLE POLITICAL CAMPAIGNING? not that the overthrow itself wasn't major but there was nothing to the movie besides the marketing/advertisement angle? were we supposed to be inspired by the positivity of the whole thing? it seemed v bootstrap and happy like lets focus on optimism and ignore the actual wrong being perpetuated. idk maybe i missed something i was v tired and kinda out of it since i got there a few minutes late but it was not the cinéma~ i was expecting!! tho the video aesthetic was a+. also only semi-relevant but p bored/asleep/dead @ white/passing south americans (who on the most part aren't of pure european ancestry but identify and operate as such so i dont feel so bad regarding them as that)(dont do this if u arent latin american tho).

im like oozing fluids rn sorry tmi but this is easily one of the most painful things ive ever had to watch my loins have literally burned. they have burned to a crisp. i no longer have loins.

How do y'all feel about Dead Can Dance? Like, aurally they're pleasing duh but politically/ethically I'm at odds. Is their embracement and remixing of world music elements to be lauded or is it more of the Diplo-esque exploitation of genres that takes away focus from the actual artists of color whose style of music is often disregarded as inferior/of less interest. Is this even a question? All I can think about is this conversation with Venus X about how what she tries to do with DJ-ing is instead of using elements from genres, she just plays songs from those genres as a form of exposure. It's the difference between lifting or borrowing a style and calling it your own (which I don't think DDC are doing - but...) and giving credit where credits due, where that exposure could actually lead to further support of the artists who're out there doing it, not those who can benefit from doing it in a way more palatable to the moneyed consumer. There's contemporary artists of color who sample and experiment with styles as well, but they've in general been very vocal about where their inspiration is coming from, so that their sampling comes off more as nods of acknowledgement than cultural larceny or overstepping cultural boundaries - something that white artists are frequently guilty of. This isn't to call out specifically Dead Can Dance 'cause the degree to what they're doing this isn't a covert as someone like Diplo, they seem to wear their influences openly-whether by choice or bcs its simply unavoidable, and they're certainly not the first to do this, but it still rubs me the wrong way--aka its fuckin' racist as hell--to see imagery like this used to set them apart. Maybe because they're so obviously talented that it just feels cheap.

my favorite pope i can already tell hes gonna b a real zany character its bcs hes from south america

also this looks like it says pope francis: "i loves opera"

Open the pages of any horror fanzine--Outre, Fangoria, Cinefantastique--and you will find listings for mail-order video companies that cater to afficionados of what Jeffrey Sconce has called "para-cinema" and trash aesthetics. Not only do these mail order companies represent one of the fastest-growing segments of the video market, but their catalogs challenge many of our continuing assumptions about the binary opposition of prestige cinema (European art and avant-garde/experimental films) and popular culture. Certainly they highlight an aspect of art cinema generally overlooked or repressed in cultural analysis; namely, the degree to which high culture trades on the same images, tropes, and themes that characterize low culture.

In the world of Horror and cult film fanzines and mail-order catalogs, what Carol J. Clover calls "the high-end" of the horror genre mingles indiscriminately with the "low-end." Even more interesting, European art films that have little to do with horror... are listed alongside movies that Video Vamp labels "Eurocine-trash." European art films are not easily located under separate catalog subheads or listings. Many catalogs simply list films alphabetically, making no attempt to differentiate among genres or subgenres... Where art films are bracketed off, they are often described in terms that most film historians would take pains to avoid. Instead of presenting Pier Paolo Pasolini's Salo (1975) as a work that explicitly links "fascism and sadism, sexual licence [sic] and oppression," as the Encyclopedia of European Cinema does, Mondo simply notes that the film "left audiences gagging."

 The operative criterion here is affect: the ability of a film to thrill, frighten, gross out, arouse, or otherwise directly engage the spectator's body. And it is this emphasis on affect that characterizes paracinema as a low cinematic culture. Paracinema catalogs are dominated by what Clover terms "body genre" films, films that Linda Williams notes, "privilege the sensational." Most of these titles are horror, porn, exploitation, horrific sci-fi, or thrillers; other non-body genre films--art films, Nixon's infamous Checkers speech, sword-and-sandal epics, and so forth--tend to be collapsed into categories dictated by the body genres that are the main focus...The design of the catalogs... enforces a valorization of low genres and low genre categories.

Williams identifies three pertinent features shared by body genres (which she defines as porn, horror, and melodrama). "First there is the spectacle of the body caught in the grips of intense sensation or emotion."; the spectacle or orgasm in porn, of terror and violence in horror, of weeping in melodrama. Second, there is the related focus on ecstasy  "a direct or indirect sexual excitement and rapture," which borders on what the Greeks termed insanity or bewilderment. Visually this is signaled in films through what Williams called the "involuntary convulsion or spasm--of the body "beside itself" in the grips of sexual pleasure, fear and terror, and overpowering sadness". Aurally, ecstasy is marked by the inarticulate cry--of pleasure in porn, of terror in horror, and of grief or anguish in melodrama.

Finally, body genres directly address the spectator's body. This last feature, Williams argues, most noticeably characterizes body genres as degraded cultural forms: "What seems to bracket these particular genres from others is an apparent lack of proper aesthetic distance, a sense of overinvolvement in sensation and emotion.....viewers feel too directly, too viscerally, manipulated by the text". The body of the spectator involuntarily mimics "the emotion or sensation of the body onscreen". The spectator cringes, becomes tense, screams, weeps, becomes aroused.

- Joan Hawkins, Cutting Edge: Art-Horror and the Horrific Avant-garde

I just began this and so far it resonates deeply since ~trash horror was my initial catalyst into seeking something "more". A large part of my heart is still full of love for so-called low culture and always will be. This also explains my fascination with pop culture esp. how it intermingles with "high culture" and why I fucking hate people who assume there's one or the other or that either is inherently "better". Since the author's a woman and has so far cited many women, I'm gonna assume at one point she'll be going deeper into the gendered aspects of body genres... specifically how melodrama, horror, and porn are all dependent on the exploitation of female emotion (often in conjunction w/ their bodies - explicitly so in porn), which repulses me in theory but I also find and have found myself identifying with strongly bcs of - bolded for emphasis where this applies. In some way, without the thoroughly misogynist body genre (excluding heterosexual porn, but certainly not excluding heterosexual pornographic imagery which i--and inescapably we as a culture to varying degrees--have been heavily exposed to) I never would have fully realized my feminist consciousness and I've seen similar sentiment from others. I rly hope the book delves into some of this phenomenon as well.

also jody mccrea i havent read this article yet but homoeroticism in 60s beach party movies is something im v much passionate about

i would let frankie avalon cum inside me

Day of Wrath (dir. Carl Theodor Dreyer, 1943)

pina bausch & mariah carey