tips on radiance

i was doing so well i interviewed for a job and i was being self sufficient and i had volunteer opportunities lined up and big plans for the future and now i cant leave my room without crying and i cant do anything for myself i had to ask my mom to make me food bcs if she doesnt i wont eat i feel like absolute shit and i cant catch a break at all i just want to be happy for once and i dont think i ever have been truly in my life i dont want more of this but i still dont want to die what if i live my whole life in misery and expectations of something better and this is it for me i wish i got more positive charge out of the way people actually do see me than how negatively affected i am by how people might see me because outside of that im not impacted much by what people think about me in the end it doesnt affect me how strong their belief in me is or how i touch them because im still miserable and ive been selfless a lot of my life and why cant i be selfish for once in saying i want to be happy not make others happy even at the expense of my misery bcs no matter how hard i try i cant do both i try to be selfless and i know i could be more selfless and giving bcs as of late im really not at all but how much is too much i dont blame anyone but me cus the problem is me ill never be able to give just the right amount and recieve my due happiness in return i either give a little or not at all and either way i remain unhappy i cant give more cause i bruise easy