tips on radiance

i try so hard not to be a victim and i try so hard to preserve myself and not hurt myself because i want to survive all of this because everyone makes you feel weak otherwise even though you cant really help it if i muster up the energy to get up to do things to be an active force in my future thats it ive spent my energy for the day even if the drive is there the physical capacity is not and im tired of going to hack psychiatrists over and over trying to find the one for me and spilling out my whole life but not too much in case they arent the right one for me because i really hate the idea of telling all of myself to anyone but id be willing to with the right person if it helped and its frustrating to be seen as weak when you've made it this far despite everything its really frustrating to feel weak despite knowing otherwise when the energy trying to be strong when you already are strong could be used maintaining yourself i like myself and i think im valuable and thats not the problem its just idk if anything will ever come of that value and to what extent will others like me because its terribly lonely being a human being at all let alone one who's caught in between and too much or never enough and i want to put value back into this world i want to give im not a selfish person but i hate feeling it because all my energy has to go into me first to get to that point i constantly feel like im swimming upstream and im constantly afraid im pushing that stream against myself by what i choose to fight for and against but im not ready to give it up just yet