i made this (i didnt make this) (i wish i made this)

i'd like to report a hate crime

everyone sort of postures themselves and builds themselves up online and like i guess i do or have done that too consciously or not bcs you build a distinct personality for yourself by the images + culture you choose to share but how many people have i met whose personality is still in the making and so far aren't true to themself in their actions or who are affected like they want so badly to be these images and quotes they project when theyre not and then theres people who have their own fully formed and real personalities and whats reflected on their blog is a reflection of that/an extension of who they actually are irl not the other way around but theres a lot of grey area in figuring out who's who and a lot of trouble on my part because i went through that sort of thing in the beginning of high school and its weird when people 17-my age are still there but i have to be more understanding. i just want to know people who have a personality first, and the image comes from that naturally, not a personality that comes from the images. so many people talk to hear themselves talk and so many people have learned how to talk from others instead of listening to their own voice.

i hate white boys of the ~indie rock~ persuasion n how generic ass they are all while thinking theyre metaconscious cus they make fun of black people BUT THEYRE """"""NOT RACIST"""""""!! they even listen to (fellow white boy approved) rap! independent rap! the rap du jour! they just think everything about any culture not built upon white american culture (sure they may make fun of this but only the most easy targets and always removed from themselves and their roles within it) is somehow inherently hilarious and worthy of mocking cus like "doesnt every culture"? how many white boys have u met who thought they could say faggot? or any variation of n*****? like these pitchfork ass white dudes w cookie cutter aesthetic n music tastes out here thinking theyre the height of humanity when their humor is one step removed from lowest common denominator. but theyre "aware" of it which sets them apart? they're offensive "ironically"? their inseparable asses still aren't worth shit.

whenever i look over my writing im like lol im so damn melodramatic but im not rly if anything i tone it wayyyyyyy down compared 2 what im feeling n i need 2 remember that/stop being ashamed cus this is my ~personal space~

i try so hard not to be a victim and i try so hard to preserve myself and not hurt myself because i want to survive all of this because everyone makes you feel weak otherwise even though you cant really help it if i muster up the energy to get up to do things to be an active force in my future thats it ive spent my energy for the day even if the drive is there the physical capacity is not and im tired of going to hack psychiatrists over and over trying to find the one for me and spilling out my whole life but not too much in case they arent the right one for me because i really hate the idea of telling all of myself to anyone but id be willing to with the right person if it helped and its frustrating to be seen as weak when you've made it this far despite everything its really frustrating to feel weak despite knowing otherwise when the energy trying to be strong when you already are strong could be used maintaining yourself i like myself and i think im valuable and thats not the problem its just idk if anything will ever come of that value and to what extent will others like me because its terribly lonely being a human being at all let alone one who's caught in between and too much or never enough and i want to put value back into this world i want to give im not a selfish person but i hate feeling it because all my energy has to go into me first to get to that point i constantly feel like im swimming upstream and im constantly afraid im pushing that stream against myself by what i choose to fight for and against but im not ready to give it up just yet

i want to kill myself again lol i had a really decent week at least but my depressions back and i cant stop shaking from anxiety my whole body is vibrating the worst is not know what youll do or how to control yourself i want this to pass but its always so painful getting myself there/waiting idk how i can do it again so recent from last time