tips on radiance

i cant imagine living until im 30 and i know for a fact if things dont change in a major way within a year im killing myself its very scary and people don't understand its not a conscious act or something you can control i can feel it tightening its grip on me every day and it terrifies me and i DONT want to die but i also cant stand living i feel like its going to suffocate me and i rather have control over myself than be controlled by something else i dont want to reach the point where the impulse is too strong but i know that point is going to come so a part of me thinks why stall it if the time between now and then is full of misery i can't do anything and i can't enjoy anything i can see my body and appearance deteriorating by the day i can feel me physically deteriorating every second i'm awake i can't connect with anyone because even at their worst they do a better job being open and connecting w/ others than me i can't be genuine because i can't be happy and i can't feel anything not constructed or set out for me otherwise but at the same time i feel EVERYTHING its not even that i cant feel those things i just dont knw how to express them in a way thats understood and all the ways i know how make me uncomfortable and feel artificial to act out and try to pass as real my only currency and way out the only therapy i can imagine is acting and even that requires my looks be a commodity i don't care about youth in any theoretical sense so much as i care about it as a necessary asset in my happiness i need things to move fast because i don't have much longer within 6 months i could be totally unable to function due to how distorted my looks have become in my eyes its not superficial its essential i know i have other talents but not one of them makes me happy and the only one that has a chance at it is the one most impacted by my neurosis i pick at my face and stretch and pull and feel tingles and numbness and am continually hyper-aware of the smallest activity on my face so i distort it out of recognition trying to fix it lament it and get back to distorting it more i cant stop destroying myself and the more i destroy my exterior the more i rot inside i yell at myself to not indulge in it every day because all i ever hear is get help and fight it and be strong but i've tried over and over and have continued to do those things but im still barely surviving what more do i have to do to get somewhere further