tips on radiance

I actually need a journal because I need to get everything out and without obligation to make it nice, or easy, or accessible in any way. Maybe I'll take up writing with a pen and paper and make it even more private than this blog nobody reads anyway. I feel so much like everything is a performance and there's an expectation that you will always perform flawlessly but I don't want to perform at all, I want to "be". And that sounds corny saying it and someday I'll be able to without commenting that I GET it sounds corny but it still applies. For the past 6 months my dilemma has been how do I be genuine while still being self-aware? And now I'm realizing that this drive, or desire to come across as self aware as if its some barometer of intelligence is stupid. It's stupid to perform, or to make a show of knowing that I perform, any of it. What I want is to laugh without analyzing the reasons and talk without each word being weighted. Something is affected in my writing when I know I have an audience, and I hate it and want to get away from that. I want to keep an audience because I want people to be invested in me because on my own I find it hard to be invested in myself, but I don't want my writing to suffer from that, and I don't want it to be false.