tips on radiance

There was a point when every day was a new trauma but I think, I'd like to think, I've reached beyond that now. I looked in the mirror today and I look old.. I'm still young but overnight I've changed. The only way to describe my latest psychosis is "ecclesiastic" - there's always the epiphanic moment in melodrama when the music swells and the heroine is filmed in a close up soft focus looking up and I think I've reached that point. My whole life is stretched behind me and I see it so clearly and for once it's not in horror. I've reached a state of calm I didn't think I ever could and I don't know how long it will last. Everything feels like I'm at sea.

I don't want fear to define me anymore - of anyone or anything or myself or my feelings. There's still trepidation, but I want to work on what I can and I know that that is so, so much. Maybe the calm is affected, maybe I'm posing as a yogi for the first week of 2016, or maybe this is a real moment I'm experiencing. I've spent the past year doubting my experiences and sorting out reality and now I'm inclined to follow it through to the end. It's not impulsion that drives me, but a knowing probe into my possibilities. I wonder if I'm past my prime? But then, I still haven't accomplished much.

Once I've made up my mind, there is little that can change it. This can be a blessing or a curse - it means I'm very moral but I also risk bordering reactionary. How can I be more malleable but stick to my convictions? Do I need to be more malleable? I'm always second guessing myself as it is... I'm doing it right now. What I have decided is I want to live, and I want to write, and I don't care if its ever acknowledged as significant because most likely it is not. For me it is beneficial and its in these small victories I find hope.