tips on radiance

I used to be caught in a web of death, what a sensational way to put it! But how appropriate, considering its intricacy. I used to go through life as though dead, though I would still live in fear of tomorrow. There's something hilarious about the death-wish but I don't think anybody's elaborated on it yet, at least I haven't come across it though I'd love to. All my jokes are about my own death and pain because they've become foreign concepts -- no longer my world but a strong part of my past and it sometimes rears its head again but I banish it to my core unless in that moment its necessary to harness it. The dangerous part about mental illness is the desire to harness the power you have at the height of your mania -- the adrenaline rush of a constant flight -- the desire to do all and see all and get everything you feel you deserve. It's easy to skip pills, and find excuses to ruin your schedule, so that one day you can wake up and feel as though the world was everything and you could take it on again. But those days have become few and far between and its a positive because now you can sit, now you can be reasonable, now you can plan. With mania you are living for that moment, and that is important, and you should hold onto that. But you must have patience, and you must learn all your actions have consequences not just for others, not just arbitrary bullshit that won't morally affect you, but stuff that holds or withholds the keys to your future, and you do have one. At least this "you" I direct to myself, as I try to direct all of this to myself, as a moral exercise at least. The Tips on Radiance are all mementos to myself that I have a long journey ahead of me and it will be grueling work, but it is valid work, and my labor will pay off if I can just stay consistent.

I've written at least a diary entry or a page of my autobiography (which is hilariously presumptuous, I'll admit, and I love it for that) for the past three days, and I am positive I will have something of note by 2017 if I keep up with this. If I take my meds on time, and keep myself stimulated, and keep on working. 2015 was plot development, character building -- 2016 I begin to take what I deserve, and I do deserve it after all this time. That much I know is true.