this is my favorite fable and movie poster bcs im problematique

formative girlhood anthems

(P.P.S. writing is so therapeutic after the fact. it's cliche but I love having written even if I struggle to actually write. it hasn't always been this way but I'm in a bit of a funk. must persevere!! ALSO I wonder how many blogs belong to dead people? my blog feels like it's written by one.)

I haven't been writing at all and I'm so done with myself because that was my main goal of 2015--to write more!!! And I actually have things to say. But I am very very lazy and crave instant gratification wah wah. Right now I'm in South Lake Tahoe for a church retreat which I am not a part of  but my mom is helping with and its sooo so beautiful here @mother nature LET THE FUCK UP!! The water is so clear but all the piers are closed and boat tours are hard to come by :(. I'm about halfway through Gone Girl and firmly believe it is the great American novel of the 2010s like Fitzgerald was for the 20s. It is so on point in capturing a cultural climate and basically is a savage attack on the white bourgeoisie in America post-recession. It's brilliant to be honest, even if it's problematique as fuck (which I haven't gotten to yet). I been eating good and taking pics and calming down after having a hell of time taking care of an older woman for 3 days who had no appreciation for me besides me being a pushover when it came to work. Maybe I need to be less agreeable... people like me too much and too easily. I'm still looking @ rooms to rent (the one that never replied to me but is perfect in NYC just posted another ad... I'm so tempted but know it would be irresponsible). LA is in a few days with Veronica and I'm hyped as fuck because were both fun loving full figured hotties and like sight-seeing the same bruja shit. Tomorrow I get to hang out with friends in Sacramento which is further therapy after going through hell last week. I need to keep reading so I have more to write about and also be less of a lazy ass, lmao. Stay posted.

P.S. here's my view of the lake

Honestly, I have nothing left to say. People who have a lot of things to say still astound me but I think reading more and constantly discovering is a huge part of that. I'm so.......self-centered right now I guess and it's killing me. I can't wait to go to LA in a week and a half, and also move there eventually. I don't know as much as I'd like to, or weight what I'd like to, or dress as I'd like to but I think I'm ready, if not completely. To be perfectly honest with myself, a big part of growing up and aging being seen as a negative is lamenting all that I don't know by now. You're never as cool as you wish you were/someone is always cooler/why the fuck do you still care about coolness you're nearly 22?/time is running out. But it's not--to spend time worrying about wasting time is the only way you actually waste time. I know a lot more than most people -- which doesn't mean I'm smarter it just puts things into perspective. Lots of people know a lot more than me. One thing I've always been good at is reading people and a part of that is constantly compartmentalizing people and assigning them traits based on their other traits and 99% of the time i'm correct but I live for the 1% who prove me wrong. People who genuinely have a wealth of knowledge impress me, but snobbery and self-awareness of exceptionalism rubs me wrong. It comes off like a weakness. What role I'm trying to evolve into is someone who knows a lot, and can talk about a lot, but never holds myself higher than anyone else. I've been on the bottom in so many situations, my life has exposed me to so little outside of what I've made the effort to expose myself to, that I can't act any different in my interactions with others. We all start someplace, we're all at someplace, and that is something I need to be OK with and others to be OK with if I'm going to trust them.

somewhere over the rainbow fucks me UP. the wizard of oz fucks me up in general. it is the #1 gay movie for so many reasons and i imagine so many beautiful kweens watching it in theater in 1939 and crying inside bcs they're looking for "home" and also because of gay lions. hopefully a lot because of gay lions. i wish there was a queer canon -- actually writing this out im SURE there is a queer canon, i just don't really know what it is. i need to read more so i can express myself more clearly. i'm a mess.

*cries but cus ya girl is gettin' it!!!!!*