tips on radiance

Writing on here feels like screaming into an echo chamber because nobody really follows it. It's strange; the instant gratification is absent that you would find on Tumblr but I definitely feel more grounded because of it (the most 20-something I'll ever sound) and need to continue publishing on here. I'm thinking -- what's one positive of yourself? Maybe I'll make this a daily thing. Can I think of daily positives? I know today I'm re-affirming to myself that I am a good writer, that I am smart, that I have a way of making academia and academic theories accessible through my writing, that I can be intelligent without having my head up my ass, that I can accomplish things when I commit to them. Commitment is the word of 2015 -- it's what's been lacking these past 4 years (this seems like such an easy answer, and it's more than this, but it feels right right now). And even though it doesn't feel like it, I have made incredible progress & I'm just beginning.

I'm changing my prescription tomorrow to a stronger anti-depressant and all I hope for is energy back again, and hopefully no feeling like a drone or zoned out -- something I feel incredibly lucky to have never experienced on anti-depressants. If it helps with my reading, I'll be over the moon. It takes a month to clean out my system from the prozac and I'll be on another antidepressant for 3 of the weeks and then that one clears out in a week so for a whole week I'm in danger but I'm going to hope for the best. Nobody is ever cured from mental illness and that fucks me up to think about -- I can manage and I can control but this will always be with me and it can always get worse -- but it can also always get better even if not "the best". I didn't even realize I was still depressed until my doctor suggested it might have something to do with my lethargy and sleep patterns and then everything sort of concaved. I used to be terrified of suggestion and big pharma but both have saved my life, I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't eased up and allowed myself to be helped. That's the biggest take-away of my mental illness--it has taught me to always be open to help.