tips on radiance

Thought of the day: I'm running out of words for "incredible" when all I mean is "incredible". I've been thinking of The Honeymoon Killers since I saw it and that's the only way I can describe it. Francois Truffaut called it his fav American film which leads me to contemplate something ive mulled over a million times before and that is, how much of a language disconnect is to be credited for the esteem we hold up foreign films? Like, The Honeymoon Killers is an amazing film, but its also very very camp at the same time (& I've talked before about straight appropriation of camp culture in the late 1960s-onward). It makes more sense that John Waters lists it among his favorite films because as a native English speaker, it's characteristics from dialogue to inflection fit in more easily with that type of film -- that is '60s drive-in cinema. And so much of that cinema is absolute art when viewed through a language barrier... but for insufficient reasoning have been largely forgotten or dismissed by mainstream America (this is quickly showing itself to be my main obsession -- this disconnect and interconnect between high and low art in America esp. played out against that Great American Ideal -the middle class).

I've not been writing a lot because everything takes so much effort right now, I just feel like abandoning everything mid-sentence even IRL. I've been having an existential crisis for 4 years and I'm at its most mature stage. I know I want to act and I know I want to make movies or at least write or learn more about literature and I want to channel all my interests into something lucrative bcs I'm a commie but CREAM still applies. I just don't have the skills yet to make this happen and its extremely frustrating confronting this fact. Acting, and success in acting, is my easiest pathway but the roles I want to play I would have to create myself. Writing is my talent but I lack the discipline -- also my downfall when it comes to film-making and academia. I know if I could just commit to buying a camera, I would start making things I'm interested in exploring immediately but I'm the biggest frugalista ever and can never justify spending $ on anything, esp. anything I might potentially give up. I'm just barely getting a working phone this week and that's a 2015 necessity(!!).

Maybe it's because I'm never negative, or rarely negative, about things that I don't have a better social pull. I think it's important to be critical always but in terms of media, I have a hard time deriding anything because all of my interests have frequently, in my opinion unfairly, been objects of derision. Anyway, it's more important to encourage and cultivate interests than base a personality around what you don't like and that's a mistake a lot of people make. What interests me? is always a good place to start, not end at.

So....... what interests me? I have shitty recall, the question is hard for me. I like camp, I like glamour, I love womyn, I love marginalized people, I love bright colors, I like chiaroscuro, I like representations of madness, I find horror cathartic, larger than life women who are allowed to exist are so important to me, cinema outside of critical consciousness is precious to me, I love 1960s pop and doo-wop and the early 1990s, I love the gays even though I struggle with the gays, I love pulp fiction and melodrama, I love the ocean and clean air and moving somewhere. I have so many interests, it's impossible to list without getting into exhaustive specifics... just like everyone else. I like being a part of everyone else.