tips on radiance

do you ever think of all the racist shit you've ever done and said (granting you have the power & privilege necessary for true racism) and you just want to fucking die? because you can still feel it killing you inside and rotting from the inside out but it's not something that goes away, its something you can make better by ensuring you're on yr shit but its not something that is able to or should go away bcs its a reminder that you're capable of horrible things and that you always need to do better. the small pain in yr gut remembering things you've done or said is nothing next to the pain your words or actions have either contributed or directly led to. as recent as my senior year of high school i said some unforgivable shit and i KNEW BETTER but i thought it would help me fit in/make my days there more bearable by giving me something to talk about (it didn't) and i have to pay the price (small change in comparison to the systemic hate it directly contributed to) for being that stupid for the rest of my life. its one thing to inflict pain out of ignorance but knowing that you could have done better and knew to do better but didn't is something that stays with you especially. however!! you don't wallow in that and pity yourself, bcs you don't deserve it, you take that feeling and you turn it into positive action.