i had terrible dreams last night and woke up worst than ive been for a while but i have no way of articulating them or putting them into words and explaining why they affected me the way they did, im not even sure of it myself. i want to tell these things to someone but i can't i can feel the words stuck in my throat but i know how stupid ill sound as soon as i let myself go. i cant tell my mom because i feel pathetic i cant tell any friend because i feel too corny and sappy and i cant even fully describe it here because i dont possess the abilities to begin describing it accurately in the first place. all i know is i want to die and i dont want anyone to try and make me feel otherwise but i also want to be understood. i dont know if this is selfish again. im starting to think everything i do is selfish. which makes me want to die more. i want to sleep a long time and i want my eyelids to even out and i want to wake up looking how i see myself and i want to only have good dreams that make me happy to be alive but i can't remember the last time even one of these things has happened.
two years ago i went to a therapist and for the first time i felt comfortable enough to tell them things. i only went twice before i caught a glimpse of the bill and stopped going. around january i returned hoping this time i could really give it a try and get better. i found they had retired.
gabriel go hard
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